Kamby Bolongo Mean River Page 5

  Charlie called listening to the nothing meditating. I didn't know that was what we were doing together in the living room. Before we meditated together in the living room Charlie would go off into this room to meditate by himself. He would say this he would say I am going to my room to meditate. We would be in the living room watching television when he would all of a sudden say this. This is when he would get up and walk to his room closing the door behind him. He would be in there for up to half an hour sometimes.

  I would go to the door and listen. I would press a glass to the door and stick my great ear inside the glass because I saw someone do this in a movie once. It never worked for me though. I could never hear Charlie meditating there in his room.

  At the time I thought meditating was the same as masturbating.

  I thought it was another word for masturbating.

  Why I thought it was another word was Charlie taught me the word masturbating the summer we had the dog.

  The dog would try to hump the two of us and when Mother saw the dog doing this she would get angry and curse him. She would say stop it you goddamned dog and then Charlie would smack it across the nose and the dog would stop.

  I asked Charlie why the dog did this to us and this is when he taught me the word masturbating.

  Charlie said the dog humping us was how he masturbated. He said the dog couldn't masturbate otherwise so he humps his owners instead. I asked Charlie why a dog would want to masturbate in the first place and he said it was human nature. This is when I asked him if he masturbated himself and what Charlie did was smack me across the nose.

  I said what did you do that for Charlie.

  Charlie said you don't ask someone if they masturbate themselves.

  I said why not.

  Charlie said that masturbation is private and you only do it in your room by yourself.

  I said like you do all the time.

  Charlie said I am in my room meditating all the time.

  I said how do you do it then.

  Charlie said how do you meditate.

  I said no masturbate.

  He said you go into your room and then do what feels good.

  He said boxers when they are training aren't supposed to masturbate anyway and that he would never do such a thing.

  Then I asked him if masturbating had anything to do with meditating.

  Charlie said no they have nothing to do with each other.

  I asked him why do people meditate then.

  Charlie said people meditate to be at one with themselves. He said the best boxers in the world meditate because it helps them with their boxing. This is why we have to meditate every day is how Charlie finished the conversation.

  There is no one way to listen to the nothing. It is only important that you too say nothing this way the nothing goes uninterrupted. To interrupt the nothing is a bad idea.

  I learned all this from Charlie.

  The first few times we meditated together I interrupted to ask if I was doing it right. I didn't know how to meditate myself and wasn't allowed to look at Charlie doing it. Charlie said we had to keep our eyes closed during the meditation otherwise it wouldn't work. So the first few times I interrupted Charlie meditating was when he'd smack me and tell me to listen to the nothing and breathe.

  That summer Charlie told me that for ages there was only the nothing and nothing else. In the beginning there was nothing and it was good. It was good like this a long time until the nothing was interrupted by the advent of animals and people.

  What we think of the beginning was not the actual beginning Charlie said. We think of the beginning as the beginning of heaven and earth and the earth without form and void and darkness upon the face of the deep and then the light that was good and dividing the light from the darkness and then calling the light Day and the darkness Night. Then the firmament in the midst of the waters and this firmament became heaven and then came dry land Earth and this was good and then grass and seed and the fruit tree and lights from the firmament and all this happened by the fourth day and still there was still the nothing that was there before. Maybe it wasn't the same exact nothing as before but it was in the same family of nothing and very similar to what we recognize as the nothing of today. This all changed when the waters that brought forth the moving creature that hath life and once you have moving creatures that hath life you interrupt the nothing. Then the fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven which interrupted the nothing even more and all of this would've been fine had it not been for what came next. What came next was that they were to be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters of the seas and the earth and the sky forever drowning out the nothing that was there before. And still this would've been fine had it not been for the cattle and creeping thing and all beasts of the earth after their kind. All of this was supposed to be good but maybe some of it wasn't. And we can only know if something is good if we have something either bad or not quite as good to compare it to and before this there was only the nothing which went unrecognized and because of this was not considered either good or not good. Then man after the likeness and dominion over the fish of the sea and fowl of the air and over cattle and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth and then go fruitful and multiply and the nothing gone forever. Only here and there do we catch even a speck of the nothing and never as before the beginning of heaven and earth.

  Charlie would tell me about this over and over and he would finish by saying pay heed to this my friend lest you draw his ire.

  Mother called him a fanatic and me his accomplice.

  This was one of those times when I didn't know what one word had to do with another.

  This is why I have trouble when people say good morning or good evening. I don't understand why people use good morning or good evening to say the hello how are you instead of saying the hello how are you like everyone else.

  So according to Charlie there was a beginning before the beginning and it was the nothing.

  Charlie said this is another reason we meditate. We meditate to return to the nothing where we once belonged. He said that was God's plan.

  The nothing lasted forever up to the point of the beginning. Forever is forever and cannot be measured in time Charlie said. Five minutes of forever is the same as eons.

  For instance the nothing that came through the telephone last night lasted forever.

  When you don't know the days of the week you don't know what month it is either and when you don't know what month it is you don't know when it's time to celebrate your birthday.

  I don't know how many birthdays I've missed in here. What I do know is no one ever comes in here and says happy birthday to me. No one brings me a happy birthday cake with candles in it and sings the happy birthday song either. No one ever brings me a birthday gift which is why they sometimes remind me so much of Mother.

  Sometimes if I'm doing especially well on the tests they bring me ice cream in a cardboard cup. The ice cream cup has a top with a lip to peel off if you want to eat the ice cream before it melts. The first time they brought it to me here I wasn't sure how to peel that lip off and this is what happened.

  Whenever they bring me the ice cream I ask them is it my birthday today and what they say to that is how would we know Johnny.

  This is when I tell them unless they bring me an air conditioner television and calendar I'm afraid I won't be able to help them much longer.

  Then I say who the fuck is Johnny.

  Should the phone ring I will say the hello how are you and listen to the words that come back. Sometimes the nothing comes back and it is good. When the nothing comes back I am only too happy to hear it. I listen to the nothing and am grateful there aren't words.

  I could go the rest of my life without words and be fine.

  The nothing through the telephone isn't the same as meditating. Even though I have plenty of time to do it I don't meditate anymore. It's not the same meditating without Charlie next to me on the living
room couch.

  Should the phone ring and it's nothing is when it might be Charlie on the other end. Only Charlie would hear the nothing and not interrupt it. I never interrupt it either. Even if I want to say is that you Charlie I don't.

  I remember one time after we meditated together I asked Charlie about death about what happens to you when you die. I asked him if it was the same as nothing. Charlie said he didn't think it was nothing but also that he didn't like to think about it either. He said he would wake up screaming in the middle of the night because he dreamed he was dead. Charlie said he would wake up sweating and his heart would stop short and he'd find himself trying to crawl out the window. He said he couldn't breathe when he thought he was dead like this. I asked Charlie what was wrong with him and he said he didn't know. He made me promise not to tell Mother which I never did.

  Charlie was afraid of what Mother would do to him is what I think.

  Charlie said that death was either something or nothing and if it was nothing then there was nothing to fear because you shouldn't fear nothing and if it is something then it is just as likely to be something good as something bad. This is when I asked Charlie if that is like heaven and hell and he answered by going into his room and closing the door.

  I never heard Charlie scream in the middle of the night which is why I think he was lying to me when he said that.

  Charlie's room was on the other side of the house but I think I would've heard him screaming regardless.

  The people who play games with me do it to see how I am doing. Sometimes they tell me I am doing fine and I tell them so are they.

  What happens is the doctors in the white coats and clipboards come in and sit down next to me. They tell me we are going to examine you and I say why bother. Then one of them holds a pen with a light up and tells me to keep my eye on it as he moves it back and forth. Another one takes a hammer out and beats my knees with it. Then the first one has me rearrange shapes into a puzzle the way it is supposed to go. What he'll do is show me first and then I am supposed to do it the same exact way. The puzzle has circles and squares and different slots for them to fit into. This is when I tell them about Mother's pill circles and how that I always made them disappear and they tell me I should concentrate instead.

  This is what they like to do with me here.

  This is why they remind me of Mother and Charlie sometimes.

  Here is a room with four walls and one window and almost nothing else. Yes I have a table and chairs but there is no television or air conditioner here. Yes I have a phone and it does ring sometimes but whose doesn't is what I have to say.

  What I do sometimes is measure the room. How I do this is I lay down on the floor with my feet against the back wall. Then I mark in chalk where the top of my head is and I get up and lay down again and this time I put my feet where the chalk mark is. I can do this two and half times before I run out of room.

  So the room is two and a half by two and a half which means I think it's a perfect square.

  They let me have colored chalk in here and this is the kind of thing Mother would say I was lucky to have. She would say you don't know how lucky you are and I would tell her you're right I don't.

  Should the phone ring it might be the person who called last night. I don't know this person but they acted otherwise with me. Why I think this is because right after I said the hello how are you this person told me a story and didn't stop until they were finished.

  This wasn't the same one who mistook me for Charlie because not everyone does that. Sometimes people tell me stories like they are testing me. Sometimes these people are doctors and after the test I tell them the answer and they tell me I'm doing fine. These stories are like the riddles I would have Charlie answer though he never did.

  It starts with the hello how are you and then the person on the other end who was probably a doctor says a man in a three-piece suit is on the beach and lying face down on a checkered blanket.

  So I say okay there is a man a three-piece suit a beach and a checkered blanket.

  The doctor says that's right and he has a towel draped over his head and is barefoot. There is a flesh colored band-aid affixed to the back of his left hand and it has been there for days. He cannot remember if he had applied the band-aid himself or if someone had done it for him.

  I say good because I remember Mother applying the same kind of band-aid for me when I would cut myself open like the time I fell off the skateboard and hurt my knee. Charlie was pulling me along with the rope we'd tied around his waist and I had one hand holding that rope and the other holding the dog's leash. Everything was fine for a while and we were expecting to be done soon so I could give Charlie his breakfast of raw eggs and milk. Then Charlie must've forgotten he was pulling us along because he stopped short and what happened was the dog and I ran right into him and everyone crashed into each other and all over the street.

  I said what the fuck did you stop short for Charlie.

  I don't remember what Charlie said to that.

  Then I said now we have to go home and who knows what Mother will say.

  So all three of us limped home and my knee was bleeding and that's when Mother applied the band-aid for me.

  First she asked us what we were doing out so early and we answered by keeping our heads down and bleeding all over the floor.

  She said we weren't allowed to leave the house until further notice. She said to Charlie you are supposed to be the responsible one. She was beating him with a ladle when she said this.

  Mother always had the ladle hanging up in the kitchen so it was never far away.

  Mother didn't like it when she would beat Charlie with the ladle though.

  She would say to him why do you make me do this to you.

  Then the doctor says next to him on the blanket is a cooler filled with root beer and turkey sandwiches. There might also be an apple inside the cooler but the apple isn't important.

  So I say to the doctor the apple is a trick question.

  The doctor says not exactly but it's close.

  I say please continue.

  The doctor says next to the cooler is a naked woman. The woman is lying on her back and is using her left arm to shade her eyes. There are other men and women and children lying on blankets and sitting on chairs and playing in the sand. Some are splashing in the water others are tossing Frisbees at each other or flying kites.

  This is when I think about the dog and how he could never catch a Frisbee himself. Charlie and I would take him out to the backyard and throw the Frisbee around but he could never catch it. What he'd do instead is chase after it and then decide why bother.

  So because I think about the word Frisbee I'm not sure if I've missed part of the riddle.

  Next I hear the doctor say these other people are wearing a variety of swimsuits and other beachwear. The day is glorious. The sky is blue and cloudless and has the big yellow sun right in the middle of it. The ocean is a mixture of foamy blues and greens. Maybe two hundred feet off shore dolphins are playing and teenagers on jet skis speed after them bouncing on the waves. The dolphins leap out of the water and twist in the air and when they do the people on the beach hoop and holler. Some take pictures and others mostly children imitate the dolphins' movements.

  I say to the doctor this is a long riddle.

  The doctor says you have to pay attention it's almost over.

  Then he says now the man and the woman are not paying attention to the dolphins either.

  I say who can blame them at this point.

  The doctor says in his head the man is compiling a list of death euphemisms. So far he has passed away passed on expired bought the farm checked out cashed in headed for the happy hunting ground six feet under down for the dirt nap pushing up daisies. When he's finished he will move on to related circumlocutions starting with being under the weather and better the devil.

  I say what the fuck kind of word is circumlocution.

  The doctor says what did we s
ay about the swearing.

  I say I forgot.

  The doctor says the other people walk to the water's edge for a closer look. They are careful not to disturb the man in his suit or the naked woman. They ask themselves and each other questions about the man and woman as they walk by them. They do this while keeping an eye out for the dolphins. This is when the woman flips over to sun the other side of herself. The backside is a shade lighter than the front side. The man stays face down on the blanket. Right now he is between one foot in the grave and he who hesitates. There is a collective gasp from the beachgoers as one dolphin executes an impressive midair maneuver and then disappears under the water. Finally the man says to the naked woman basically all I'm guilty of is and it ends with that's what I've been telling you she says before he can finish.

  So I answer the man is Charlie the naked woman is Mother and I am the dolphins swimming in the ocean.

  This is when the doctor tells me excellent I'm doing fine.

  Except that Charlie and I never saw Mother naked and we never tried to either.

  The naked woman was supposed to distract me from the answer I think. I think the doctor wanted me to think about the naked woman so I would want to be alone with myself instead of answering.